We all balance “being” with “seeming,” that is to say, we temper our display of who we are by shaping who we appear to be (both to others and each to our individual self). “Who I am” is the ground against which our semblance figures. That appearance is not just a visual image, but rather comprises all of the information that travels to those who sense us, where our self perception is also one of those receivers.

Ideally, we develop independent access to those skills that allow us autonomous control over the seeming that we choose to reveal; however, some people’s choices are compromised, and well-meaning helpers can inflict harm.

This topic has become increasingly prominent in conversations about “masking” in autism, which is the suppression of one’s superficial, outward-facing differences in order to comply with the dominant paradigm’s shame-based conformity pressures. (We will talk about this terminology later, in the context of a taxonomy of related terms.) While people include me in these discussions primarily in my role as a therapist, I am Autistic+.

Here is the realization that is dawning among various types of participants:

When people are brought to disappear their differences, they are being taught to devalue who they are.

There is certainly crucial truth in that understanding, but the otherwise laudable reflex to help people avoid being shamed is threatening the well-being of the bathwater baby.

It feels to me that people – whether Autistic, therapistic, both, or otherwisic – haven’t really considered this caution all the way through... or through enough that this essay would be redundant.

So how do we find the healthy balance?

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Short answer: Don’t force people to mask their differences.

Medium answer: People should be able to choose their seeming. If they are finding that to be difficult, and they would like help, then care should be made available to them; that is to say, they should be provided with scaffolding to develop the independence with those skills that will allow their volitional access to autonomous choices.

Long answer...

It helps to ensure that we know what we’re doing before we take it upon ourselves to try to force someone else to do it.

Learn more about the context in which we scaffold:

• Different than what? The DP? 
• Has a difference developed a cultural identity? (Are you still trying to therapize it anyway?)
• If there is, then what kinds of abuse do the members still face? 
• If there is not, then why not? Did you ask? Is it on the way? Are you helping or obstructing with a disease model?

Even though lots of different types of people are taught to mask (Deaf, LGBTQ2A+, and so on), the masking discussion tends to center on Autistic people because: 1) lots of us do it because we can (so therapists think it’s something that we should do); and 2) autism gets too uncomfortable for others only when it is sensorily different, as if you could pass without betraying your Self if you just hid the way that you looked and sounded. Autism is still treated as a disease without a culture, and part of that is because no one has figured out what autism really is, yet.

I am also a clutterer (in speech, not possessions), which does not have a culture (of which I am aware, anyway). As with the better known disfluency of stuttering, it is held to be all and only a disease. (People also tend to attribute my cluttering to my autism.) Therapists work with clutterers and stutterers to hide the apparent signs, and that is not recognized as a devaluation of who that person is. (Who cares if I clutter? Piss off!) The excuse is that the therapy is only targeting the communication impairment. The laws are awful. They are still grounded in a definition that equates being noticed with shame. But if people would just leave us alone, and stop with the irritation and contempt, then it would just be part of who we are. We could freely choose whether or not to be scaffolded into an independent skill., or we could say, “We don’t care if you notice. You can have some patience. Goodness knows we put up with enough of your shit all the time.”

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And that’s all that I have to say about this right now. Someday I might come back and write a nice summary.